One night a couple weeks ago, Terp and I were sitting around in the living room and she was playing the guitar. We were singing a bunch of songs and then we thought of some lyrics that we could sing to the house mothers for Mother's Day. There have been 2 occasions when the staff have been really happy and they have sang songs to me and have used my name in those songs. There is nothing more flattering than hearing the house mothers sing for someone when they are happy so I though we should return the favor. Terp and I had a ton of laughs as we tried to come up with the lyrics, but also some moments of pure appreciation for all they do to care for our precious kids. Here is what we came up with ...
We sang this song to the tune of Hallelujah (Shrek song)
We know you change 50 nappies in a day
And wipe all the tears away,
But you don't really complain about it do you
You cook the food and you clean the clothes
Wipe the snot off of their nose
And you keep on singing Hallelujah
Hallelujah. . . (x 3)
You took the job despite the pay
And the blue stick means you stay
And you don't really complain about it do you
You deal with hardships that make you cry
You fall in love and you say goodbye
But you trust in God singing Hallelujah
Hallelujah. . . (x3)
We are grateful for you each and everyday
We are so glad you choose to stay
Your dedication makes us sing Hallelujah
We see your love and your faithfulness
Open arms and a hug and a kiss
For you we tell God Hallelujah
Hallelujah. . .(x3)
What a joy to see their smiles and see them dancing on Friday and today. It was so nice to bless them with music and singing and to show them that we care about them. I thank God for these special mothers and praise Him that He brought each and every one of them here.
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Saturday, May 4, 2013
Anxious, but there is grace
5 and a half weeks! I only have 5 weeks to get everything I do organized so that someone else can take over for me for a few months. I did not realize how many little things I do that add up to my days being full until I began to unpack my days and get ready to "hand over" my duties to someone else. Thankfully they get to skip the homeschooling part of my day as I get the joy of taking my "students" with me!
I need to get my house emptied out so people can stay here while we are gone. I have been cleaning our closets, going through book shelves, making the kids get rid of clothes that they have outgrown. 5 people living in a small 2 bedroom house do not have much "space" to hide things so that others can live here so it is going to take a miracle, but we will do our best.
I know that the above things will take care of themselves and we can make it work and it will be finished before we leave, and I am having a terrible time lately with random panic attacks. I have been chalking them up to all the stuff I have to get finished and organized before we go, but in the last day or two I have begun to wonder if it is going deeper. I have only been getting panic attacks when we are in a scary situation ( as most normal people would), but lately I have been waking up in the night with my heart racing and just feeling worried and scared and miserable.
I have not been home in over 2 1/2 years. I have read so many testimonies of people who have gone away to do mission work and when they come home, they struggle so much. Am I going to struggle? Have I changed so much in the last few years that I am no where near the same person who left? Will people even like the new me? I do not know these answers, all I know is that I feel like a clay pot that has been shattered and broken into thousands of pieces and have been glued back together. I do not know how strong I am. I do not know how easy I will be to shatter again. I cannot promise that I will be strong because I have been made weak. God has literally broken my heart for the things that break His, but I am trusting Him that He will give me the grace which I need to handle whatever situation or conversation that comes my way. And please show me grace if we meet and I am a bit of a mess about the people and little orphans that have become so part of heart.
I am sure that our 5 months at home will fly by and I will be so happy to see all my family and friends and to meet new people that I will be fine. I just need to keep telling myself to trust in the Lord and be of good courage. He has guided us so far and He will be faithful. And if you have a minute to pray, I ask that you pray for me to feel God's peace so that I will stop waking up with panic attacks and that I will lay my worries at the feet of Jesus and then leave them there and not be tempted to think on them again (after all I am human!!).
I need to get my house emptied out so people can stay here while we are gone. I have been cleaning our closets, going through book shelves, making the kids get rid of clothes that they have outgrown. 5 people living in a small 2 bedroom house do not have much "space" to hide things so that others can live here so it is going to take a miracle, but we will do our best.
I know that the above things will take care of themselves and we can make it work and it will be finished before we leave, and I am having a terrible time lately with random panic attacks. I have been chalking them up to all the stuff I have to get finished and organized before we go, but in the last day or two I have begun to wonder if it is going deeper. I have only been getting panic attacks when we are in a scary situation ( as most normal people would), but lately I have been waking up in the night with my heart racing and just feeling worried and scared and miserable.
I have not been home in over 2 1/2 years. I have read so many testimonies of people who have gone away to do mission work and when they come home, they struggle so much. Am I going to struggle? Have I changed so much in the last few years that I am no where near the same person who left? Will people even like the new me? I do not know these answers, all I know is that I feel like a clay pot that has been shattered and broken into thousands of pieces and have been glued back together. I do not know how strong I am. I do not know how easy I will be to shatter again. I cannot promise that I will be strong because I have been made weak. God has literally broken my heart for the things that break His, but I am trusting Him that He will give me the grace which I need to handle whatever situation or conversation that comes my way. And please show me grace if we meet and I am a bit of a mess about the people and little orphans that have become so part of heart.
I am sure that our 5 months at home will fly by and I will be so happy to see all my family and friends and to meet new people that I will be fine. I just need to keep telling myself to trust in the Lord and be of good courage. He has guided us so far and He will be faithful. And if you have a minute to pray, I ask that you pray for me to feel God's peace so that I will stop waking up with panic attacks and that I will lay my worries at the feet of Jesus and then leave them there and not be tempted to think on them again (after all I am human!!).
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Group Post
I am sitting on the couch with Bryan on one side and Terp (Christina) on the other side and I decided that we should write a group post. Our topic is....... One of our favorite memories of our time together here at Beautiful Gate so far!
First will be Bryan, "After a really wonderful Christmas party the staff went outside to take a group photo while they were all wearing their orange Beautiful Gate shirts. A couple of the guys surprised me by lifting me up on their shoulders. It was cool! It felt good to feel appreciated by the staff. The team here at Beautiful Gate helped me understand what it is like for coaches after winning the big football game."
Second will be Terp, 'This afternoon, I spent some quality time in town away from the daily tasks at BG. When returning on campus, honestly I was only thinking about one thing...relaxing tonight. My heart was overwhelmed with love, as a group of children came running up to me yelling my name. Their faces beamed with love. It was like they had not seen me in a very long time, but it had only been 2 hours. Every child wanted me to pick them up and swing them around. When I picked up one of the boys and he immediately snuggled in tight and gave me a big kiss on my cheek. Then in his beautiful voice, he started singing. He is known as the "singer" on campus and he always sings for me, but the kiss surprised me. Everyday the children here teach me about love. They teach me about trust and they teach me about acceptance. Every time we have an opportunity to "see" our Heavenly Father, we need to drop what we are doing and run into His arms. In that moment, we have the freedom to feel His love as well as express our love back to Him. Each day the precious children at BG teach me that our Abba Daddy doesn't care about how much work we do, or tasks we complete, or the presentations we plan, all He desires from us are moments when we drop what we are doing, run into His arms, take in His love and love Him back with singing."
Lastly Me, "Thinking of this question made me reflect on so many really good memories. Honestly, so many days are filled with happiness, smiles and love and I am glad we picked this topic as it is a good reminder after some really tough months. One of my favorite memories was our last time with God's kids day (first Wednesday of each month). It happened to correlate with our crazy dress up day where we (volunteers, staff and even some of the BG kids) all dressed in crazy clothes and made our hair look funny. At 3pm we all met in the grassy area in front of the baby houses and just played. The staff, the kids, the volunteers, the team from California that was visiting, everyone. We played with a parachute, soccer balls, and rugby balls. We played tag and chased each other till we were worn out. We held babies and tickled kids and listened and watched while the house mothers sang and danced. It was relaxed, free and fun. We were all like little children, taking a break from all the big things going on in our lives and honestly becoming as little children. I love how everyone gets really involved, even my own 3 kids and just comes together in fun and delight. It is such a great time for us to love on the BG kids as well as the staff having fun and playing together. It is what I picture heaven to be like when we get there. Innocent, delight and deep heartfelt laughter!
First will be Bryan, "After a really wonderful Christmas party the staff went outside to take a group photo while they were all wearing their orange Beautiful Gate shirts. A couple of the guys surprised me by lifting me up on their shoulders. It was cool! It felt good to feel appreciated by the staff. The team here at Beautiful Gate helped me understand what it is like for coaches after winning the big football game."
Second will be Terp, 'This afternoon, I spent some quality time in town away from the daily tasks at BG. When returning on campus, honestly I was only thinking about one thing...relaxing tonight. My heart was overwhelmed with love, as a group of children came running up to me yelling my name. Their faces beamed with love. It was like they had not seen me in a very long time, but it had only been 2 hours. Every child wanted me to pick them up and swing them around. When I picked up one of the boys and he immediately snuggled in tight and gave me a big kiss on my cheek. Then in his beautiful voice, he started singing. He is known as the "singer" on campus and he always sings for me, but the kiss surprised me. Everyday the children here teach me about love. They teach me about trust and they teach me about acceptance. Every time we have an opportunity to "see" our Heavenly Father, we need to drop what we are doing and run into His arms. In that moment, we have the freedom to feel His love as well as express our love back to Him. Each day the precious children at BG teach me that our Abba Daddy doesn't care about how much work we do, or tasks we complete, or the presentations we plan, all He desires from us are moments when we drop what we are doing, run into His arms, take in His love and love Him back with singing."
Lastly Me, "Thinking of this question made me reflect on so many really good memories. Honestly, so many days are filled with happiness, smiles and love and I am glad we picked this topic as it is a good reminder after some really tough months. One of my favorite memories was our last time with God's kids day (first Wednesday of each month). It happened to correlate with our crazy dress up day where we (volunteers, staff and even some of the BG kids) all dressed in crazy clothes and made our hair look funny. At 3pm we all met in the grassy area in front of the baby houses and just played. The staff, the kids, the volunteers, the team from California that was visiting, everyone. We played with a parachute, soccer balls, and rugby balls. We played tag and chased each other till we were worn out. We held babies and tickled kids and listened and watched while the house mothers sang and danced. It was relaxed, free and fun. We were all like little children, taking a break from all the big things going on in our lives and honestly becoming as little children. I love how everyone gets really involved, even my own 3 kids and just comes together in fun and delight. It is such a great time for us to love on the BG kids as well as the staff having fun and playing together. It is what I picture heaven to be like when we get there. Innocent, delight and deep heartfelt laughter!
Sunday, April 28, 2013
2 months
It is official and the plane tickets have finally been purchased, we are leaving in 2 months for our furlough (break from Lesotho and chance to visit family and friends). We are beginning to get some plans together. We will leave Lesotho around the 11th of June to do some fundraising for Beautiful Gate in England, Netherlands (as well as visiting some of our friends who have been adopted) and Belgium and then we will fly into Michigan around the 26th of June. We are planning to spend about a week "off the map" at Bryan's parents house visiting with family and then we will be ready to come out of hiding and share our stories :) In August we will be heading to Colorado, Canada and California to do some fundraising and visit some of our little buddies who have been adopted. I look forward to seeing some of my special friends (most probably will not remember me at all) who I used to play with and have fun with during play group here at Beautiful Gate. Now they are living such a wonderful life with their new families and it will be great to see a glimpse of that new awesome life!
I do not know how much time we will have available with the updates we will do at our supporting churches and friends and family who have been supporting us, but if you are interested in putting together a fundraiser while we are home or want us/and or our North American Ambassador, Christina Terpstra, to come share at your church, please email us very soon so we can see if something could be worked out. We will be home (Michigan) till the end of November and then we will be heading back to Lesotho for the rest of our commitment. Bryan's work email is opsdirector@beautifulgatelesotho.org. or our personal email is bageurink@hotmail.com.
I do not know how much time we will have available with the updates we will do at our supporting churches and friends and family who have been supporting us, but if you are interested in putting together a fundraiser while we are home or want us/and or our North American Ambassador, Christina Terpstra, to come share at your church, please email us very soon so we can see if something could be worked out. We will be home (Michigan) till the end of November and then we will be heading back to Lesotho for the rest of our commitment. Bryan's work email is opsdirector@beautifulgatelesotho.org. or our personal email is bageurink@hotmail.com.
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Sad day
Last night I went to bed with the image of 3 bundles of flowers in my kitchen sink. The weight of the reason for the 3 bundles of flowers was heavy on my heart, not only on mine but on everyone around me also. But what I heard this morning took me by surprise, Elijah said that he and Faith were talking last night and they decided that they did not want to go to the funeral today because it is too sad. My kids have always been perceptive and open and they have not said a whole lot after these two children passed away. Faith did say she was sad and Elijah was a bit angry right after, but that is all they said. It breaks my heart that my kids are hurting. I talked with them both about how attending the funeral would be a way to honor the kids who died, but told them that they may choose what they thought was best for them this time. Elijah decided that he should come, but Faith was very confident that staying home was best for her this time. Such a sweet, sensitive and caring spirit at the age of 8 and 9 and yet faced with the harsh realities of life in a 3rd world country. Am I helping my kids by being here or am I hurting them by stealing away their sweet innocence?
Here are a few photos taken to show honor to the ones who have been called home. Let me just tell you that many tears were shed today as the 3 mounds from Feb were still so fresh and new and here we were adding two more graves.
Here are a few photos taken to show honor to the ones who have been called home. Let me just tell you that many tears were shed today as the 3 mounds from Feb were still so fresh and new and here we were adding two more graves.
Monday, April 22, 2013
1 Week Later
I want to say that I am doing much better and am no longer in a lot of emotional pain, but then I would be telling a lie, so I should not say that. I want to tell you that I am stronger than the trials that have come my way, and with God's strength I am, but I am not feeling strong yet. I am having a really hard time bouncing back this time. I hate feeling weak!
It has been a week since the two babies died and I am just not feeling ready to let go or ready to accept it. I remember sitting in the hospital ER with the baby girl for 5 hours one night (in February) when Bryan and I were suppose to be going on a date. Feeding her with a syringe and holding her close while she struggled with her poor health. Laughing when she threw up all over me in the waiting room because I did not even have a burp cloth and I just had to shrug my shoulders and wait for it to dry up. It was nice to cuddle with her and pray for her and rock her to sleep. I am glad I had those 5 hours with her and I just need to accept that God has her for eternity and that was the best plan.
I am still glad that God has called our family here. That we have been able to touch the lives of each child here at Beautiful Gate. I am thankful to have been able to be used by God and that He has literally broken my heart for the things that break His heart. But I feel my human weakness and vulnerability because I cannot seem to heal the brokenness inside me. Please God, heal me, glue the pieces back together, make me whole again. Give me strength and a faith that can literally move mountains. Help me to believe with my whole heart that You can make something good of all the bad and sad things I have seen and felt over the last 2 years.
It has been a week since the two babies died and I am just not feeling ready to let go or ready to accept it. I remember sitting in the hospital ER with the baby girl for 5 hours one night (in February) when Bryan and I were suppose to be going on a date. Feeding her with a syringe and holding her close while she struggled with her poor health. Laughing when she threw up all over me in the waiting room because I did not even have a burp cloth and I just had to shrug my shoulders and wait for it to dry up. It was nice to cuddle with her and pray for her and rock her to sleep. I am glad I had those 5 hours with her and I just need to accept that God has her for eternity and that was the best plan.
I am still glad that God has called our family here. That we have been able to touch the lives of each child here at Beautiful Gate. I am thankful to have been able to be used by God and that He has literally broken my heart for the things that break His heart. But I feel my human weakness and vulnerability because I cannot seem to heal the brokenness inside me. Please God, heal me, glue the pieces back together, make me whole again. Give me strength and a faith that can literally move mountains. Help me to believe with my whole heart that You can make something good of all the bad and sad things I have seen and felt over the last 2 years.
Thursday, April 18, 2013
Better is one day
I can see him so clearly. Lying naked and cold in a plastic bag. Crying and squirming because he is uncomfortable and hungry. Longing to be let out, picked up, fed, and loved. The deepest desire of all hearts - to know we are loved, cared for, important and secure.
Today God gave me this vision of the little boy who passed away Sunday. In my blog post on Sunday, I said why didn't God just take him home when he was in the bag rather than make us all love this little boy only to take him home 41 days later, but as I began to really think it through, I realized that is not what I really wanted. If I had found a bag with a dead little baby, I know that my heart would have just bled for the child. Never having the loving, tender touch of a caregiver. Never hearing sweet words whispered in his ear or a song sung to calm him down. Only a cold plastic bag as his only touch, the sound of the wind rustling the bag his only song, and the sound of passerbys who never knew he existed as his words. No, I do not want that for any child.
While the pain is still raw and my tears are still fresh, better is one day, week, month or year to love and be loved than for a cold heartless death on this earth for any of God's precious little ones.
Today God gave me this vision of the little boy who passed away Sunday. In my blog post on Sunday, I said why didn't God just take him home when he was in the bag rather than make us all love this little boy only to take him home 41 days later, but as I began to really think it through, I realized that is not what I really wanted. If I had found a bag with a dead little baby, I know that my heart would have just bled for the child. Never having the loving, tender touch of a caregiver. Never hearing sweet words whispered in his ear or a song sung to calm him down. Only a cold plastic bag as his only touch, the sound of the wind rustling the bag his only song, and the sound of passerbys who never knew he existed as his words. No, I do not want that for any child.
While the pain is still raw and my tears are still fresh, better is one day, week, month or year to love and be loved than for a cold heartless death on this earth for any of God's precious little ones.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)