Polita and Nthabeleng's letters

One of the greatest gifts is that we had a wonderful visit with Bryan's parents in December/January. Polita and Nthabeleng were thrilled to meet Oma and Papa and to get to know them. They will treasure their memories, but they also now know the big loss of saying goodbye way to early. Here are the letters that they wrote to Oma and Papa.

Dear Oma and Papa,
I love the stuff that you did with me, and I wish you couldn't pass away. Thank you for tucking me in at night and for reading me stories. I will see you in heaven.
love,
Polita (8)

Dear Oma and Papa,
We love you and I wish that you could not die. It is sad. I liked playing with you and getting to go in your room at 8:00am (to wake them up). Oma, I liked it when you came to school and taught me and Polita. I miss you.
love,
Nthabe (6)

They have faced a lot of loss already in their young lives and it is sad that we could not protect them from more, but at least they are here with us and walking this road with their family by their side.

Mercy's letter

I am assuming that all of you have heard by now that both of Bryan's parents were killed in an accident that happened on July 14. We are now in America to be with family for a few weeks and last Saturday was the celebration of life for my amazing in laws. This is a very hard loss for our family and I cannot even begin to express in words the journey we are walking through right now.
For those of you who couldn't be there to hear the words we shared about Oma and Papa/ Mom and Dad, I am going to put them here on my blog. Mercy wanted to read this for them, but she was afraid to cry so mom and dad's pastor read these words for her last Saturday.

"If I told you all the memories I had with Oma and Papa, we would be here all day. But when I saw them, I had peace in my heart. I don't know why there was peace, there just was.

Joshua 1 verse nine is a very encouraging passage. In case you are wondering what it is, it is 'Have I not commanded you be strong and have good courage do not be afraid nor be dismayed for the Lord you God is with you wherever you go.'

Another encouraging passage is Jeremiah 29 verse 11which is, 'For I know the thoughts that I have for you says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil to give you a future and a hope.'

I wish I could talk more but I am done."

Mercy and Oma went zip lining in South Africa in January. A very special memory.

What an amazing little girl that in a time of deep pain and sorrow and very real struggle, she is trying to encourage others. Oma and Papa would be so proud.

A Time for Everything

I feel such sadness right now. I am really trying to process that my dear friend is really gone, and it is just sad. I have lectured myself a hundred times that she is in a better place so I should feel happy for her, but whenever I see a picture of her, I just cry. I know that this is just how I process things and everything will be fine.

It was her time to die, and it is my time to mourn.

I have a month with Elijah before he will be moving to MI and it is getting more and more real everyday. He poured his heart out to me the other day and it was just so heartbreaking. He is struggling with some very hard, but very real things. I can't imagine having this kind of conversation over Skype and it is just hard to let go of that closeness. I know that I can't hold on to him or any of his sisters forever, but it is just hard.

It is his time to uproot from Africa and start a new chapter in America and it is my time to weep.

I have begun to talk with Bryan and with others about moving away from Lesotho in less than a year, and I cannot even begin to imagine what that is going to be like. I can't even let my mind go there or my eyes flood with tears. To be torn between being back with those I love in the states, yet leaving those I love here. It is too much to process, so I will chose not to process this one yet...

I do not question or doubt God's plan because He is my Father and He loves me so much. He has seen how everything will play out and I trust Him. I just feel a very deep sense of sadness, but I know that in time, this will be healed.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8New International Version (NIV)

A Time for Everything

3 There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens:

2     a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3     a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
4     a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5     a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
6     a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7     a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8     a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.

Happy Birthday BG

16 years! God has blessed us with everything we stand in need of in order for us to have been able to serve His precious children for 16 years! Every year has had its ups and downs, but Beautiful Gate has testimony after testimony of God’s great faithfulness. He has been walking beside us and holding our hands through our trials, carrying us when we were too weak to take another step, rejoicing with us as we watch a second chance at family whether through adoption or through a reunification. God has wiped our tears as we have placed tiny caskets into the ground, visited with us as we went to the hospital with sick children, and smiled proudly as we have taught His little ones to sing and praise His name. Through it all, He has been with us and He has been faithful.

In 16 years, there have been 504 children who have come through our gates. 70 of them remain here with us as the wait for their turn to have a family of their own. Sadly, 42 of our precious children have passed away while under our care. Those have been the saddest and most difficult days for those of us who have been here. I know it was especially hard for the founders as many of the children passed away before HIV medication began being distributed to the children of Lesotho.

12 of our children have gone into foster care. It is not a very developed program and is not used very much in Lesotho, but it has worked in a few cases. 19 of our children have been transferred to other care facility either because of their age or because they had siblings or family living at or near other centers. We always do everything we can to help children to return to their family if there is someone within their family who can provide them with love and care. We have had 145 children who have returned to their families here in Lesotho.

When children are abandoned or do not have any family members who are able to care for them, we then look into placing them into adoptive families. It is so amazing to see the way God brings just the right family for each of our children. We have had 216 children who have been adopted both locally and internationally.

While all of those statistics are great for helping you see the way that God has worked, it does not even begin to tell our story. There are just not enough words to describe this ministry and the way that it is changing hearts and lives. I know that I will never be the same after serving here in different capacities for 6 ½ years. I have heard countless testimonies of God’s great faithfulness so at this standing stone of celebrating 16 years of ministry. I think everything points to the fact that this ministry belongs to the Lord! He has equipped us all to play our role, and to do our part within His story, but without Him, those 504 children would not have the hope that they now have whether they are already with Him in heaven, with a family somewhere, or still waiting to see their story unfold within our gates. To God be the Glory!

Being Loved

For those of you who make the choice to adopt older children, I would just like to say that you are amazing. It is not an easy journey to welcome a child who has already lived several years outside your home, and who may come with a lot of baggage and heartache. It can be totally heartbreaking on the days where they beg to leave and go back to their other home or orphanage. It can be heartbreaking when they sit crying and won't tell you why they cry, or worse, they hide those tears behind anger. They may not chose you or like you for a long time because of the way they have been hurt in the past. I have heard stories of terrible struggles and heartaches for some families, but I have experienced and seen the blessings of taking the risk with many other families.

I share this because my youngest daughter has decided that she wants to be a part of our family. She has been asking to go back to Beautiful Gate, or to go and live with friends of mine who are more fun than us (seriously who could be more fun that my crazy family, hahaha) or have better stuff than us. These comments were expected because I know it is common for a child to struggle to attach and to struggle with transition and change. I always listened to her and told her that I was sorry, but she was a part of our family and couldn't go back or go live with someone else. I never showed pain or disappointment, just listened and said I was sorry. It isn't her fault that her life before our family confused her as to what family can be like. I continue to show love and hope that she will feel safe no matter what her heart is feeling.

What wasn't expected was the Mother's Day card I received last month and the comments I have been hearing this month. After 16 months with me as her mommy, she has chosen to keep me. Wow, what a blessing. I chose to adopt her, but I cannot make her want to be my daughter. She has decided that she really wants to be a part of our family. There is no greater gift than to receive love that is voluntarily given. Not forced nor manipulated, but given from the heart. It makes me understand why God lets us chose to love Him, and why He does not force us to chose Him. I have hoped and prayed that I would be loved, and it is amazing that it is happening. Sunday as we were walking into church, it was so beautiful to see her run ahead and grab her daddy's hand. She has decided to keep him too and there could be no better gift the week before Father's day. I know that the journey will continue to have ups and downs, but the best part is that we are a family and we will support each other through the ups and downs of life. God is doing something incredible in our lives, and we thank Him that He is walking with us.

I did not write this to embarrass or share too much personal information about my beautiful daughter. I wrote this because I know that many people face different challenges when adopting older children. I want to encourage you all to keep your heart open and don't give up. It may take 16 years instead of 16 months, but it is worth it. If you feel like you have already hardened your heart, pray for God to soften it because a child can clearly see a heart that is safe and one that is guarded.

An Update on the Geurinks

I am all settled in again working full time at Beautiful Gate. My heart is always wondering about my dear friend Kim, but I have to leave her in God's capable hands. Thanks again for your love and support as I headed to the states to see her.

I returned to BG the day before some of our volunteers were leaving and now all of our volunteers who were here for 3-5 months have left and 2 new volunteers have arrived. We also had a team when I got here and now a new team is here, so it is our busy time again. The winter months fly by because of all the teams and volunteers who come through BG. It is good for it to fly by because it is so cold. The only hard part is the late nights as tonight will be my first night eating at home with my family in 5 nights. I think they kinda miss me ;)

In family news, this is the last week of school and sadly it is also the last week ever of our beloved KCAL school (the tiny missionary school we started with another MAF family). It has been amazing to see how much my kids have grown through this time with this school. They have been stretched and have grown so much, and I am very grateful that we were able to have this opportunity. I am so thankful to those who have partnered with us to make this school a success. Teachers who gave up a regular salary and were living off donations of others so they could teach missionary kids.

Our family is also in the process of packing up our house. We are going to be house sitting (which is a win win because the house won't be empty for them and we are paying less rent than our current house) for 6 months for our friend Tyler while he goes to America and gets married to his beautiful fiance' Emily. We are hoping to move into a Beautiful Gardens home in January and then leave it fully furnished for the wonderful woman who is going to be taking over my role as operations manager. We have no idea how long we will be living at Beautiful Gardens, because it depends on the visa approval for my littlest sweeties. I think it will be super cool to live there and know that the rent we pay is actually going to bless Beautiful Gate!! All that to say, we will be moving twice in the next 6 months, and then again once the visas are approved so your prayers for sanity and peace over our family would be appreciated.

Next month is also the month where Bryan's sister Kristin is coming with her daughters, Paige and Kelly. My kids are beyond excited for their cousins and aunt to finally see this amazing ministry, and are counting down the days! We have so much happening this year, but we are doing our best to enjoy each moment and be fully present and not always worried about the next thing.

Praying for a miracle

Today I celebrated Mother's Day by sitting next to a very special friend. Thank you to all of you who made it possible for me to get here. Kimberly was so surprised to see me and it was a tearful reunion (yep, the tears were all mine as I am getting a little more emotional in my "over the hill" age), and it is amazing to be here and see her in person.
It is hard to believe that she left Lesotho at the end of January in relatively good health, and now she is dealing with cancer. Despite her pain and despite being stuck in a bed due to the pain, Kimberly has such a good attitude. She is grateful for every day that she has and seeks to suffer with an attitude of rejoicing. She is being so strong and courageous despite the diagnosis she has been given as she is told that her cancer is terminal.
Seeing her push aside pain to enjoy every second with her daughter, Lebo, is amazing. They read books together, snuggle and pray together when Lebo comes to visit. It was fun to surprise Lebo with my visit too because she seems pretty happy to have her "Aunt Anita" around.
Some of my thoughts are that really, I am totally unprepared for this kind of situation. I have never walked through a close friend's journey through cancer. Last night Kim's pain was well beyond manageable and she was in tears. All I could do was hug her and cry with her because I had already done everything I could to have the nursing staff increase her medication dose, but the doctor in charge could not be reached.  It was heartbreaking. The whole reason she is at the place she is at is for pain management, yet it wasn't even close to managed. Cancer is a horrible disease and seeing it's effects on a dear friend just broke me.
Today was a whole different story. Kim was able to get the medication changes she needs, and has been feeling much better tonight. I am so thankful that she has received some relief. She is scheduled for the gamma knife procedure on May 24th. We don't know if the oncology department at the hospital will contact her to start chemo and radiation before the gamma knife or if they will do it after, so we are in the waiting game.
Few prayer points:
Please pray that the brain tumor will not grow bigger while she has to wait for her appointment and also that it will not add any side effects to her, such as weakness of limbs.
Also that the pain management will continue to work. Once the pain gets too high, it takes a really long time to get it back under control.
Pray for a miracle and that God would heal her and show His glory by making the impossible, possible.
Thanks for your prayers!!!!