2 months

It is official and the plane tickets have finally been purchased, we are leaving in 2 months for our furlough (break from Lesotho and chance to visit family and friends). We are beginning to get some plans together. We will leave Lesotho around the 11th of June to do some fundraising for Beautiful Gate in England, Netherlands (as well as visiting some of our friends who have been  adopted) and Belgium and then we will fly into Michigan around the 26th of June. We are planning to spend about a week "off the map" at Bryan's parents house visiting with family and then we will be ready to come out of hiding and share our stories :) In August we will be heading to Colorado, Canada and California to do some fundraising and visit some of our little buddies who have been adopted. I look forward to seeing some of my special friends (most probably will not remember me at all) who I used to play with and have fun with during play group here at Beautiful Gate. Now they are living such a wonderful life with their new families and it will be great to see a glimpse of that new awesome life!
I do not know how much time we will have available with the updates we will do at our supporting churches and friends and family who have been supporting us, but if you are interested in putting together a fundraiser while we are home or want us/and or our North American Ambassador, Christina Terpstra, to come share at your church, please email us very soon so we can see if something could be worked out. We will be home (Michigan) till the end of November and then we will be heading back to Lesotho for the rest of our commitment. Bryan's work email is opsdirector@beautifulgatelesotho.org. or our personal email is bageurink@hotmail.com.

Sad day

Last night I went to bed with the image of 3 bundles of flowers in my kitchen sink. The weight of the reason for the 3 bundles of flowers was heavy on my heart, not only on mine but on everyone around me also. But what I heard this morning took me by surprise, Elijah said that he and Faith were talking last night and they decided that they did not want to go to the funeral today because it is too sad. My kids have always been perceptive and open and they have not said a whole lot after these two children passed away. Faith did say she was sad and Elijah was a bit angry right after, but that is all they said. It breaks my heart that my kids are hurting. I talked with them both about how attending the funeral would be a way to honor the kids who died, but told them that they may choose what they thought was best for them this time. Elijah decided that he should come, but Faith was very confident that staying home was best for her this time. Such a sweet, sensitive and caring spirit at the age of 8 and 9 and yet faced with the harsh realities of life in a 3rd world country. Am I helping my kids by being here or am I hurting them by stealing away their sweet innocence?

Here are a few photos taken to show honor to the ones who have been called home. Let me just tell you that many tears were shed today as the 3 mounds from Feb were still so fresh and new and here we were adding two more graves.

 

 

 

 

 

1 Week Later

I want to say that I am doing much better and am no longer in a lot of emotional pain, but then I would be telling a lie, so I should not say that. I want to tell you that I am stronger than the trials that have come my way, and with God's strength I am, but I am not feeling strong yet. I am having a really hard time bouncing back this time. I hate feeling weak!

It has been a week since the two babies died and I am just not feeling ready to let go or ready to accept it. I remember sitting in the hospital ER with the baby girl for 5 hours one night (in February) when Bryan and I were suppose to be going on a date. Feeding her with a syringe and holding her close while she struggled with her poor health. Laughing when she threw up all over me in the waiting room because I did not even have a burp cloth and I just had to shrug my shoulders and wait for it to dry up. It was nice to cuddle with her and pray for her and rock her to sleep. I am glad I had those 5 hours with her and I just need to accept that God has her for eternity and that was the best plan.

I am still glad that God has called our family here. That we have been able to touch the lives of each child here at Beautiful Gate. I am thankful to have been able to be used by God and that He has literally broken my heart for the things that break His heart. But I feel my human weakness and vulnerability because I cannot seem to heal the brokenness inside me. Please God, heal me, glue the pieces back together, make me whole again. Give me strength and a faith that can literally move mountains. Help me to believe with my whole heart that You can make something good of all the bad and sad things I have seen and felt over the last 2 years.

Better is one day

I can see him so clearly. Lying naked and cold in a plastic bag. Crying and squirming because he is uncomfortable and hungry. Longing to be let out, picked up, fed, and loved. The deepest desire of all hearts - to know we are loved, cared for, important and secure.
Today God gave me this vision of the little boy who passed away Sunday. In my blog post on Sunday, I said why didn't God just take him home when he was in the bag rather than make us all love this little boy only to take him home 41 days later, but as I began to really think it through, I realized that is not what I really wanted. If I had found a bag with a dead little baby, I know that my heart would have just bled for the child. Never having the loving, tender touch of a caregiver. Never hearing sweet words whispered in his ear or a song sung to calm him down. Only a cold plastic bag as his only touch, the sound of the wind rustling the bag his only song, and the sound of passerbys who never knew he existed as his words. No, I do not want that for any child.
While the pain is still raw and my tears are still fresh, better is one day, week, month or year to love and be loved than for a cold heartless death on this earth for any of God's precious little ones.

A letter from Faith

Yesterday, I was so tired and so sad and Faith could see the tears in my eyes after I had spent the night in the baby house. I tried to keep my emotions in check, blink back my tears and go on with my day, but I did not fool Faith. Instead of listening to what I was reading during school, she was busy writing.

Dear Momey,
I know you are sad but you know what I'm sad too Plees chear up Momey i wont (want) you to.
i love you so so so so much! You can chear up cus i love you.
From Faith

 



Sometimes life is hard and things happen that do not make sense, but it is a great comfort to know that I am not in this alone. God has given me great healing by blessing me with my children. Faith like a child is displayed before my eyes each day and I praise God for the example they can be for me during my struggles. Thank you my dear sweet Faith.

We need you God

From the wisdom of Solomon come these words;
A good name is better than
precious ointment,
And the day of death than the day
of one's birth;
Better to go to the house of
mourning
Than to go to the house of
feasting,
For that is the end of all men;
And the living will take it to
heart.
Sorrow is better than laughter,
For by a sad countenance the
heart is made better.
The heart of the wise is in the
house of mourning,
But the heart of fools is in the
house of mirth.
Ecclesiastes 7:1-4

I cannot believe that I am writing these next words, but last night the Lord decided to take another of our precious babies home to be with Him. 2:40 am we were awoken to the words, "There has been an emergency." A baby girl died in her sleep. I cannot express the trauma, heartache, and pain that is rippling through this campus. 2 babies in the same day, from the same home, dying unexpectedly. I will never be able to express the grief I witnessed last night, real anguish like I have not seen or heard before. God help us please because we are in the pit of despair. A campus of mourning, a house of grief and disbelief, full of the deepest sorrow. We need you God. Come close to our broken hearts and restore our hope and trust.

I am not okay

I have tried to think of several different ways to write this post, but it hard to know what to say and what to leave out. I know that many people think that missionaries are all put together and their faith is always strong, but well.. that just isn't the truth. We are human. We sin. We hurt others (not necessarily on purpose). We ourselves hurt. Our scars are so deep and so real that sometimes we can barely breath. Any while this may be only true for myself, sometimes I have questions that cannot be answered. Sometimes I even feel angry with God and I have tried very hard not to post about those things, but today is a day for honesty.

On Friday night I had a friend visit me and while she drove her kids home after it was dark, she came across a big accident. She saw one of the victims lying in the road and the victim had been decapitated. She accidentally said something out loud about it as she was so shocked to see it and while process with her kids about it, her 9 year old daughter said, "I just do not understand how this type of death could have been a part of God's plan." My friend had a hard time answering this question.

Today was a tough day. One of our little babies who was in the hospital for a little over a week passed on into the arms of Jesus today. It was completely unexpected. On Friday the doctor said that he could come home from the hospital soon, but then today we got the call that he was dead. Our relief worker who had been spending time with him told us that she warned the nurses yesterday that he was taking a turn for the worse. He was not eating as well and was losing weight, but the nurse ignored her and did not look into her concerns. Our worker was so discouraged. How could this type of death be part of God's plan?

I am so discouraged too. On March 9th this little baby was found in a plastic trash bag. He was thrown away with no hope for a future and left to die. But he was rescued and brought to Beautiful Gate when he was 3 days old. Then he gets diarrhea, dehydrated and brought to the hospital. Rescued from the trash only to die on his 44th day of life. Why? Why couldn't God have taken him home sooner if He was just going to make him suffer and then have his needs ignored by the ones who were supposed to make him well. Why does the medical care in this country have to be so apathetic? How could this attitude of apathy be part of God's plan?

I am so tired. I am so weak. I feel so hopeless and discouraged. Yesterday, Terp and I went to the hospital with a lightness in us because we heard the 2 boys were doing better, and today we went to get a death certificate, his personal effects, and to pray over the relief worker who spent the last week  caring for him and who left the hospital with a broken heart. Terp and I had a really difficult time trying to process all of this on the way home from the hospital. Ususally one of us is able to be strong and encourage the other, but today we both realized that we are not okay. We are hurting so much. I do not understand God's plan in this. I want to trust Him right now, but I am too weak. Sin, I suppose is the answer to all of my above questions, but God is greater than all the sin in the world.