The Hatred Required to be a Disciple

I remember struggling a lot with the verses about hating your mother and father and son and daughter. ("If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters--yes, even their own life--such a person cannot be my disciple. Luke 14:26)

It just seemed like such a crazy thing for Jesus to say especially when He told us to love our neighbor as much as we love ourself. How could He be telling us to love our neighbor right after our love for God, and then turn around and tell us to hate our family? I sought the advice of a few friends and they explained it more as loving God so much that anything left for your family looks like hatred compared to your love of God. I decided that was a good way to describe it.

However, I now actually know what it means in my life. To love God with all my heart, it means I have to leave many that I love. Knowing that the separation will be so hard and we don’t want to be separated, that feels like hatred. To hate my mother and father was to take my children and leave America in order to love God by obeying His call on my life. It meant breaking the hearts of both sets of parents, that is hating my parents in comparison to loving God. That is what it means to pick up my cross and follow. Counting the costs was that there was no promise that either set of parents would be there when we came back. We hoped for and longed for the chance to make up for lost time, but that is just it, we have lost that with one set.

Hate your children… really? How could I ever hate my child in comparison to my love of God? I thought I would never be able to understand such a thing. I could never hate a child whom I was blessed enough to receive. A gift from God, how could I ever hate that? The answer for me is leaving my child and returning to Lesotho. It feels like hatred as I walk this journey of obedience.

Hating my family means leaving and letting go. Counting all costs and picking up my cross to be the disciple of Jesus means turning away from the relationships I never wanted to leave. Some are lost temporarily on the earth, others I have lost until eternity.

When any Christian starts telling you that following Jesus is always easy and you won’t have any trouble, just walk away, that isn’t true. Just ask Job. It can cost you everything you hold dear like it did Job. It can mean that your life will be FULL of trials and tribulations. The ONLY thing that is promised when you chose to pick up your cross and follow Him is that you will NEVER be alone.

And while that is normally a very comforting thought for me, it doesn’t seem to be cutting through the grief right now. The cost feels too high. I never wanted to hate my family. I never wanted to lose my friend. I never wanted to fall in love with Beautiful Gate and know that I can’t have my son and Beautiful Gate at the same time because God has made it clear that He needed Elijah to be in America. In the grand scheme of those suffering in the world, I am sure that these things are minimal. They just feel huge when they start to get piled on each other.

Sometimes Life Just Hurts

Today, my "son" (he is definitely an honorary Geurink) Tyler is getting married to his best friend, Emily. Bryan and Elijah are in Idaho and will be standing up in their wedding, and the girls and I are in Lesotho. Today was supposed to be a super fun day of distraction as my friend Kim and I made plans last December for a girl's day in Clarens, SA since we couldn't go to the wedding. Instead, she is sitting in heaven, her daughter is with her lovely new family in CA, and I am here with 4 girls and all of us with broken hearts.

The best thing about the last 3 weeks is that we were distracted by family. We spent most of our time with Bryan's sisters while we were in America and it was a good way to keep our minds and hearts distracted. Now we are back here, with no Kim, no Oma, no Papa and (while not lost through death, but still a major loss to us) no Elijah. Faith just walked by his empty room and then came running into my arms sobbing because he is her best friend and has been her whole life. While we were in America, her best friend (that is not related to her) moved back to America after being here almost 7 years. There are very few friends left, no one her or Mercy's age, and now they are really feeling all of our losses.

It sucks. There is no way around the truth, but right now everything just hurts. I was up late into the night and it felt like I had heart burn, but it wasn't. It is just a real physical response to the amount of pain I am holding in my heart. Sometimes I can barely breath.

My kids are still sleeping 2 hours after I have woken up and I spent time reading Ecclesiastes and Job. I realize that I don't blame God. I am not mad at God. I still trust that His plans are meant for good in my life, but that doesn't mean that he is a safe God. His plans can be terribly painful before they will be good. I learned that 17 years ago when my sister took her life, and left me in a depth of pain I did not know was possible. I still know that now as I reflect on the loss of a friend who was like a sister, my in-laws who loved me like a real daughter, and not being on the same continent as my son. Sometimes life just hurts. A hurt that cannot be explained. A hurt that feels physical and will keep you up at night, but I know that God will walk with me through this valley. I wish I could see Him. I wish I could better understand His timing and plans, but those things are beyond my understanding. So I will keep walking, one tiny step at a time and know that on days where I can't find the strength to even go an inch or two, He will be right with me, walking in my pain. Because I know that He loves me.

Elijah's letter

Going up north last weekend was very hard, there were many tears especially as Mercy went to bed for the first time without them tucking her in. It felt empty and was missing the two people who always made it feel like home. We enjoyed time with Bryan's sisters, our nieces and my brother, but it was just not the same. We needed to go, and we are glad we did, but the reality is too much to absorb.

I did not find time or internet access this past weekend to finish our letters, but this is Elijah's letter. What a kid, and what great memories he has with his grandparents. He is trying to be tough and brave, but pray for his heart. I know that it is hurting.

As a boy, your father is your first hero, and your grandpa is your second. My Papa was a great man and his impact on my life will affect me until it is my turn to join him in heaven, and very likely after that. One of my favorite memories with him was making a special marble maze out of wood. Truly the only reason I did it at first was because I wasn’t sure how to spend time with him, however my mom suggested making the maze so we set to work. I’m now extremely thankful for the time we spent as he shared a lot about being a Christian and encouraged me to continue strong. 

                  As a boy, the first woman you learn to cherish is your mother, and after that your grandma is your second. One of my favorite memories to share is when God stopped the rain when I was four so I could have ice cream. However, what I’ve forgotten about that memory until recently, was that Oma was the one encouraging me to pray and ask God to stop the rain. People may not see Oma in as many things as they do Papa, however in most everything Papa did, Oma was always there in some small way, both supporting and giving him strength, or working in the shadows to make sure it all worked nicely.

                  Together Oma and Papa made the perfect team, and in the middle of that team there was hope and faith in Christ that was poured out onto every person they came into contact. My final and favorite memory of the two of them was the proud looks on their faces when I professed my faith in God. It showed me not only the great love they had for God, but it also affirmed my belief that I was going in the right direction. They died with that hope in their hearts, and as a sign they made it, God honored their wish to die together. To close, I want to ask this one question that you can each answer on your own. If you were to die unexpectedly like they did, would you die with the same hope in your hearts?