Feeling a little lost

For the most part, everything is going well in our lives. The children and staff at Beautiful Gate are pretty healthy and happy. One really sick child has made an amazing recovery, and we have all been praising God for His goodness. 3 of my 5 kids have colds right now, but they aren't too bad. They should be feeling better in another 2 - 3 days. We have been blessed by watching some high school teens be broken for the kingdom of God through their outreach to Beautiful Gate. Our youngest daughters are adopting us as their family. We chose them, but now they are showing that they chose us too and it is beautiful to witness. Days are not without conflict and confusion, but they are still good.


So with all that good, why do I feel so lost right now? I have this really overwhelming feeling of being lost and unsure of the future. We are starting the training for our friends, Peter and Lindiwe to take over BG, and I know it is the best. They are such a perfect fit. Maybe I am feeling lost cause my purpose is switching? We are starting to plan for the future education of our kids, but we don't know what kind of job/ jobs we will have when coming back to MI next year. Where and when do we enroll them in school? Should we split our family up next August so 3 of them can start school on time while the other 2 have to wait out the 2 years before they can enter American soil? So many people are asking questions, and I have no answers and now I am beginning to feel worried. God has brought us this far, and I know I need to trust Him.


My girls have shared more of their past, and it just sucks. To not feel wanted and to be left alone, those are emotions that will haunt them for a long time. I feel so lost in how to help them. Then there is Mercy who is trying her best to be an amazing big sister, but she struggles so much with not being the youngest. She struggles desperately with controlling her emotions, and I feel so lost as to how best to help. These struggles are nothing close to what other families face, but it is hard to try to help and to know what is the best. I guess all these things are showing me and pointing to how much I need to depend and rely on God to help us figure it all out. He planned our 7 years in Lesotho. He knew who and when we were supposed to adopt. He knew when it would be time for us to start letting go and raising up the new directors. He knew, before we even said yes to come here, where my kids should go to school and where they will thrive and serve Him the best (He just hasn't shown us yet). We long to do all things well and we know with God helping us, we can work through all of these situations and questions. Your prayers would certainly be appreciated though!

First Family Vacation as 7

One month ago we took a trip to South Africa with my brother, Bob and a few friends. I have not done a good job getting the pictures off of my camera so here they are a month late. Highlights of the trip were... Polita and Nthabeleng seeing the ocean for the first time. They were amazed at the size and sound of it. I was amazed at how hard it is to get sand out of their hair! Elijah, Faith, Mercy and Bryan went zip lining for the first time ever and it was a crazy big and high gorge that they went over (Oma - you are next for the zip line!!!). I can not believe how brave my 3 older kids were with the zip line. I would have gone too but.. someone needed to take photos and watch the younger two cause they did not weigh enough to try it, even if they were brave enough (which they weren't cause they take after their new mommy who is a chicken)!!! I just loved being with my family and some close friends. Polita and Nthabeleng fit so well into our crazy family and they did super amazing on our first of many family adventures. Here are a few highlights in picture form:

My son

There are days that I feel like I am the luckiest mother in the world. Today E was working on a school assignment, and he came to me for advice. It involved some moral issues that many people don't agree on. He shared the opinion that his friend had shared with him, and some of the arguments that were in several articles he had read, but he came to me very confused. I helped him lay out the pros and cons of the issue and then we took a step back and looked at it from a biblical perspective. I helped him back up some of the arguments with scripture, and we had a really good and in depth conversation. In the end, E said something that really touched my heart. He said that in his devotions it has been telling him that he is of the age to start making his faith his own, but then he said that while he knows that is true, he really respects my opinions in the area of faith.
To have a 12 year old son saying those words to me, wow, what an honor. I am so lucky to have a son who respects me and desires to grow in his faith and understanding of the world. He has been growing in his maturity, and I am so proud of the young man he is becoming. We have had some great moments of laughter and fun, as well as moments of mature conversation. Thank you God for blessing me with one of the most amazing boys in the world!

Adoption reflection

I have had many reflective times this week as I have considered our adoption of 2 older children. The word older being taken lightly as I am referring to the oldest age at BG, not the oldest age people can adopt. There is just so much history that we will never know or understand. There are times when a very simple thing will invoke sobs, or a comment will produce unexpected anger. There are triggers that we can't understand, but if we are patient and kind, we can work through them. Sometimes, when I am tired, it is hard to be patient, but I am learning that it pays off.
Last week I was having a conversation with one of my younger daughters and it took a turn that I wasn't expecting. Soon, she was sharing some super painful experiences from when she was younger and broke down sobbing. All I could do was hold her and tell her how sorry I was for the pain she was reliving. It was so sad to see her so vulnerable, but I was so grateful that she opened up because the experience she shared with me helped me to understand some of the behaviors I had seen since she moved in with us. Having a moment like that created a very special memory for us. I can't change what happened, but I can do my best to keep her safe, help her feel loved, and give her hope that her future can be different from her past.
While I was driving last week, both of my younger daughters were in the car and began discussing the day I took them home from BG. N was so scared when we pulled up to the house and she began sobbing on our first day. She reminded me that when she was sobbing, I began to cry and she asked me why. I told her that I cried because I felt sad that she was afraid of us. I knew that she would be safe and ok with us, but I was sad for her because she didn't know that yet. It was very cool to talk about that day with them both. One advantage of adopting older kids is processing some of the stuff we did when they only spoke Sesotho. They are almost fluent in English already which makes things so easy. I praise God for fast language learners.
I have begun to keep a journal for the girls to read when they are older so I can write down the details of the hard stuff they share with me. I don't want to share their pain publically on my blog, but I want to remember the details so I can go back through it when they are ready. My sweet little daughters have walked through a depth of pain that I cannot imagine and it breaks my heart. I know that God allowed them to be in my family so I could be the one to walk them through it, but it is hard as a mother. I have worked hard for 12 years as a mother to protect my children from horrible pain, and there was nothing I could do to protect my youngest 2. I don't know if I will have the strength or the wisdom each time a new memory is shared, but I will put my trust in God.

He is in Control

Looking out the window as the breeze blows the swings around, and all the children are napping peacefully, but my heart is sad. There is a beautiful precious, baby girl who will never get to be pushed in the swing. We won't get to tuck her in for a nap or snuggle with her, or see her learning to crawl or walk. She has been taken into the arms of her heavenly Father, and those of us who remain here at BG are sad for what we had hoped for her life to be.
Putting the casket of a little baby into the ground feels wrong, yet it is what we did at Beautiful Gate today. She passed away in her sleep last week. We praise God that we have not had to walk this road for 3 years, however our hearts ache for the loss of one who was so very small. Please pray for our staff as they loved her like their own, and for our volunteers who also loved her. When people sign up to work or volunteer here at BG, it is because of a deep love of children and desire to see them grow up to be happy and healthy. They don't take into consideration the anguish that could come when a tiny life is taken unexpectedly, so please pray for them.

As I placed some flowers on her grave, the Lord gave me a song to bring peace and remind me that none of us are walking through this alone.


"All is well
With my soul
He is God
In control
I know not
All His plans
But I know
I'm in His hands"

Farewell sweet little one. There is no better place than in the arms of your creator, but we will miss you.

Over Privileged

Can I just share an experience that bothers me so much. So, I am at the grocery store and I needed to get food for 8 people and 2 extra meals with guests so it was a bit bigger than my normal grocery day (I am having Faith's friend stay with us for 4 days while her parents are at a work conference and we have a few guests coming for dinner this week). I take my cart up to the counter to pay for the food and the bill comes up to about R1700 ($120 roughly). As I wait to pay and my groceries are being bagged, I have to endure the looks from the lady bagging my food and the lady who scanned it. They look at my items and talk amongst themselves about different items I bought (I am quite used to this and have just rolled with it for 5 years). This time as I stand there I begin to think about my shopping. I just spent R1700 for only one weeks worth of groceries and many people, probably even the ones who just checked me out, don't even make that much in one whole month of working.
There is so much injustice and it is not easy to face. I am so privileged to be born in America. I am so blessed that I never have to put my 5 children to bed knowing that they are hungry or lacking the basic necessities of life. My acquaintance from church is not so lucky. Her husband has been out of work for a year and they will soon be kicked out of their home with no parents to depend on and no place to go. They have 2 young children who they cannot send to school, no electricity for warmth or even warm water, and they knowingly send their kids to bed hungry because there is no other option. This is only one family that I know, but there are thousands of families in Lesotho who are facing the same things. And yet, here I am standing at the store spending an unbelievable amount of money so we can eat "a balanced diet." Being an over privileged and "rich" person living in a land of extreme poverty can sometime eat at your conscience even though you know all of the arguments about "what you sacrificed to be a missionary." Please pray for me to use what I have wisely, to give generously, and please please pray for my acquaintance and her family so they can have a job, food, shelter and education.

A Poem to my girls

Becoming your mother is something that I chose,
A need to grow our family arose.





Your past and your family I know nothing about,
But our love for you, I hope you never doubt.





Not a day will go by that I don't make a mistake,
But trusting me is a risk I hope you take.





The pain that you hold so close to your heart,
Give it to me, so you can have a fresh start.





Not that I want you to forget the past,
Because those memories, I know they should last.





So you can remember the mother from which you came,
Without her none of our lives would be the same.



There will be tears, fun times, and laughter we share,
Our life without you, just would not compare.



So let us begin our life's next adventurous ride,
No better place to start than by each others side.
To : Polita and Nthabeleng
Love...Mom