Retreat

I went to a ladies missionary retreat this past weekend. It was just what I needed to refresh my spirit and encourage me as Bryan and I begin our new roles as directors of Beautiful Gate. I discovered that while raising 3 kids and living on-site at an orphanage, I have not had much time to reflect on how I really feel about all the changes in my life over the last 11 months. So, this weekend was a chance for me to do that. Our retreat was held at Wynford Farms in South Africa, located just outside Lesotho and with an amazing view of the surrounding mountains. We worshipped in a chapel with big windows in the front so we could enjoy looking at God's splendid creation while we sang to and talked about Him. I do not know if I have ever had such a relaxing time in my whole life (not to mention eating that much food or consuming that much tea).

I really had to look deep within myself and discovered that I have lost a lot of my joy in the past 11 months. With saying "see you later" to family and friends, moving to a new place, having God change our entire reason for being at Beautiful Gate (from helpers to directors), learning to be a teacher, seeing poverty, hunger, pain, and even experiencing death. I have allowed the worries and doubts of life to steal my joy. I always try to spin things in a positive way if I can, but inside I was feeling hallow, empty, scared. Not the emotions a missionary should be feeling, but nevertheless, feeling discouraged and overwhelmed with the tasks ahead and the thought of balancing my family and our new roles here. But this weekend, I was able to look deeper into those emotions and accept that they are not from God (I knew that before but yet let them linger). He has chosen me as a wife of Bryan, a mother of Elijah, Faith and Mercy, a teacher (homeschool and sunday school), a director's wife, a playmate to 60 Beautiful Gate kids, a supplier of books and toys to the neighbor kids, etc. He trusts that I can do it or He wouldn't have given those roles to me. I do not have to doubt or worry because my Father is in control and will give me what I need, SO it is time to let His joy shine in my heart again. I am no use to my friends, family, husband, kids, etc if I let myself get defeated by satan and lose my joy. My prayer is that I can keep my eyes fixed on Him so that I do not lose my joyfulness again ;)