I have tried to think of several different ways to write this post, but it hard to know what to say and what to leave out. I know that many people think that missionaries are all put together and their faith is always strong, but well.. that just isn't the truth. We are human. We sin. We hurt others (not necessarily on purpose). We ourselves hurt. Our scars are so deep and so real that sometimes we can barely breath. Any while this may be only true for myself, sometimes I have questions that cannot be answered. Sometimes I even feel angry with God and I have tried very hard not to post about those things, but today is a day for honesty.
On Friday night I had a friend visit me and while she drove her kids home after it was dark, she came across a big accident. She saw one of the victims lying in the road and the victim had been decapitated. She accidentally said something out loud about it as she was so shocked to see it and while process with her kids about it, her 9 year old daughter said, "I just do not understand how this type of death could have been a part of God's plan." My friend had a hard time answering this question.
Today was a tough day. One of our little babies who was in the hospital for a little over a week passed on into the arms of Jesus today. It was completely unexpected. On Friday the doctor said that he could come home from the hospital soon, but then today we got the call that he was dead. Our relief worker who had been spending time with him told us that she warned the nurses yesterday that he was taking a turn for the worse. He was not eating as well and was losing weight, but the nurse ignored her and did not look into her concerns. Our worker was so discouraged. How could this type of death be part of God's plan?
I am so discouraged too. On March 9th this little baby was found in a plastic trash bag. He was thrown away with no hope for a future and left to die. But he was rescued and brought to Beautiful Gate when he was 3 days old. Then he gets diarrhea, dehydrated and brought to the hospital. Rescued from the trash only to die on his 44th day of life. Why? Why couldn't God have taken him home sooner if He was just going to make him suffer and then have his needs ignored by the ones who were supposed to make him well. Why does the medical care in this country have to be so apathetic? How could this attitude of apathy be part of God's plan?
I am so tired. I am so weak. I feel so hopeless and discouraged. Yesterday, Terp and I went to the hospital with a lightness in us because we heard the 2 boys were doing better, and today we went to get a death certificate, his personal effects, and to pray over the relief worker who spent the last week caring for him and who left the hospital with a broken heart. Terp and I had a really difficult time trying to process all of this on the way home from the hospital. Ususally one of us is able to be strong and encourage the other, but today we both realized that we are not okay. We are hurting so much. I do not understand God's plan in this. I want to trust Him right now, but I am too weak. Sin, I suppose is the answer to all of my above questions, but God is greater than all the sin in the world.
Judging by how I feel whenever I face any tiny little bit of frustration brokenness in the world, I'd be just as dejected and discouraged if I were in your shoes. I was just thinking about this this morning, sort of... about submitting to God's plan and trusting that it's good, even when it looks the most ugly. I think it's a choice. I don't know really how to get there, but... I do think it's something that I just have to choose somehow. I'll pray that God gives you the strength and courage to trust him again - as someone standing beside you puzzling at brokenness, not as someone who has it all figured out. Courage is what sticks in my mind now - I'll pray for courage.
ReplyDeleteI don't know why God allowed that little boy to die. But one thing that struck me as I read about his little life is that by bringing this little one to Beautiful Gate, he allowed him to experience love. Rather than living only three ugly days as the object of hate, he received the gift of another forty days of being loved, cherished, and valued. Not by everyone - but by you and his house mother and the relief worker. And you had the opportunity to love him, and his little life is being honored, and grieved. I have to think there are people seeing that - workers at the hospital who don't think this child had value and who knows who else. All that love being multiplied - there's something good and redeeming about that.
The workers' apathy was NOT okay, and NOT in God's plan - but I would think they have been weakened and calloused by facing far too much death and suffering, too. The girls are (LOUDLY) waiting for me to go for a bike ride now, so I'll have to stop this overlong comment. You, Terp, your staff, and all of Beautiful Gate are in our prayers.
So sorry for the pain. Will be praying. God is my refuge and stength, a very present help in trouble....He is sovereign and never mistaken.
ReplyDeleteKaren B