Anxious, but there is grace

5 and a half weeks! I only have 5 weeks to get everything I do organized so that someone else can take over for me for a few months. I did not realize how many little things I do that add up to my days being full until I began to unpack my days and get ready to "hand over" my duties to someone else. Thankfully they get to skip the homeschooling part of my day as I get the joy of taking my "students" with me!
I need to get my house emptied out so people can stay here while we are gone. I have been cleaning our closets, going through book shelves, making the kids get rid of clothes that they have outgrown. 5 people living in a small 2 bedroom house do not have much "space" to hide things so that others can live here so it is going to take a miracle, but we will do our best.
I know that the above things will take care of themselves and we can make it work and it will be finished before we leave, and I am having a terrible time lately with random panic attacks. I have been chalking them up to all the stuff I have to get finished and organized before we go, but in the last day or two I have begun to wonder if it is going deeper. I have only been getting panic attacks when we are in a scary situation ( as most normal people would), but lately I have been waking up in the night with my heart racing and just feeling worried and scared and miserable.
I have not been home in over 2 1/2 years. I have read so many testimonies of people who have gone away to do mission work and when they come home, they struggle so much. Am I going to struggle? Have I changed so much in the last few years that I am no where near the same person who left? Will people even like the new me? I do not know these answers, all I know is that I feel like a clay pot that has been shattered and broken into thousands of pieces and have been glued back together. I do not know how strong I am. I do not know how easy I will be to shatter again. I cannot promise that I will be strong because I have been made weak. God has literally broken my heart for the things that break His, but I am trusting Him that He will give me the grace which I need to handle whatever situation or conversation that comes my way. And please show me grace if we meet and I am a bit of a mess about the people and little orphans that have become so part of heart.
I am sure that our 5 months at home will fly by and I will be so happy to see all my family and friends and to meet new people that I will be fine. I just need to keep telling myself to trust in the Lord and be of good courage. He has guided us so far and He will be faithful. And if you have a minute to pray, I ask that you pray for me to feel God's peace so that I will stop waking up with panic attacks and that I will lay my worries at the feet of Jesus and then leave them there and not be tempted to think on them again (after all I am human!!).