Adoption reflection

I have had many reflective times this week as I have considered our adoption of 2 older children. The word older being taken lightly as I am referring to the oldest age at BG, not the oldest age people can adopt. There is just so much history that we will never know or understand. There are times when a very simple thing will invoke sobs, or a comment will produce unexpected anger. There are triggers that we can't understand, but if we are patient and kind, we can work through them. Sometimes, when I am tired, it is hard to be patient, but I am learning that it pays off.
Last week I was having a conversation with one of my younger daughters and it took a turn that I wasn't expecting. Soon, she was sharing some super painful experiences from when she was younger and broke down sobbing. All I could do was hold her and tell her how sorry I was for the pain she was reliving. It was so sad to see her so vulnerable, but I was so grateful that she opened up because the experience she shared with me helped me to understand some of the behaviors I had seen since she moved in with us. Having a moment like that created a very special memory for us. I can't change what happened, but I can do my best to keep her safe, help her feel loved, and give her hope that her future can be different from her past.
While I was driving last week, both of my younger daughters were in the car and began discussing the day I took them home from BG. N was so scared when we pulled up to the house and she began sobbing on our first day. She reminded me that when she was sobbing, I began to cry and she asked me why. I told her that I cried because I felt sad that she was afraid of us. I knew that she would be safe and ok with us, but I was sad for her because she didn't know that yet. It was very cool to talk about that day with them both. One advantage of adopting older kids is processing some of the stuff we did when they only spoke Sesotho. They are almost fluent in English already which makes things so easy. I praise God for fast language learners.
I have begun to keep a journal for the girls to read when they are older so I can write down the details of the hard stuff they share with me. I don't want to share their pain publically on my blog, but I want to remember the details so I can go back through it when they are ready. My sweet little daughters have walked through a depth of pain that I cannot imagine and it breaks my heart. I know that God allowed them to be in my family so I could be the one to walk them through it, but it is hard as a mother. I have worked hard for 12 years as a mother to protect my children from horrible pain, and there was nothing I could do to protect my youngest 2. I don't know if I will have the strength or the wisdom each time a new memory is shared, but I will put my trust in God.