Tired

I have been waiting to come out of a kinda dark spot, but it really hasn't happened yet. It is strange the things that are bothering me and making me cry. One of the strangest things about it is, that these things were the things that bothered me 5 years ago and shouldn't be the things that bother me now...but they do. It is rather unfortunate really. I thought I had built a more steady wall around my heart in the years I have watched hard things happening.
There are people begging me to help them EVERY time I go to town. Pleading their cases, desperate for a job, and unwilling to accept a no for an answer. I have people coming to my gate, and they look desperate. Again begging for a job, a little money for food, transport to the hospital for ARV medication..... It is constant and it has gotten worse, and I am only one person. I can't help them all and still pay my rent and feed my 5 kids. What is my responsibility? What does God want me to do? I HATE being the rich white person who is supposed to solve everyone's problems. I am already providing jobs to 45 people at BG. I am caring for 65-75 kids, plus my own family. I have hired a widow to clean my home, paying the school fees for an orphan, and trying to help a family eat as they are one step away from homelessness. Yet, I am not even scratching the surface. The need to far greater than I could even dream of.
I am just tired. I don't want to go to town because I know what is coming. I don't want to look at my gate because I know what is coming. I turn people away and I just cry because I really felt horrible for their situation, but I couldn't help. I am stretched as far as I can go emotionally. Then other things come up, so many things that I can't even begin to describe; death, sickness, loss of friends, unexpected situations, uncertainty, abandonment, apathy, inexcusable medical "mistakes,"  fighting among Christians, and so much more. I used to give Bryan such a hard time for being a pessimistic person, but I can understand how it all adds up over time.
Lesotho is my home and I have always loved it here, but there are seasons where it weighs very heavily. One of the things that Bryan and I have discussed is how hard it must be for wealthy people. Always being asked to donate to this cause or that cause, they must get exhausted and feel like no one even sees them anymore, they only see a pocketbook. I hope that in all our fundraising efforts, we have never made anyone feel that way, but if we have, we are deeply sorry.
All these feelings are just a small part of what has been going through my head for the last 6 weeks, and while I thought it might not be best to blog about it, I just feel like I need to get it out. I apologize for a venting post, and ask that you would pray for the thousands of Basotho who lack work, food, and proper health care. Also, if you could pray that I could hear clearly from God in who I help verses who I am just meant to pray for, that would be greatly appreciated.