Today, my "son" (he is definitely an honorary Geurink) Tyler is getting married to his best friend, Emily. Bryan and Elijah are in Idaho and will be standing up in their wedding, and the girls and I are in Lesotho. Today was supposed to be a super fun day of distraction as my friend Kim and I made plans last December for a girl's day in Clarens, SA since we couldn't go to the wedding. Instead, she is sitting in heaven, her daughter is with her lovely new family in CA, and I am here with 4 girls and all of us with broken hearts.
The best thing about the last 3 weeks is that we were distracted by family. We spent most of our time with Bryan's sisters while we were in America and it was a good way to keep our minds and hearts distracted. Now we are back here, with no Kim, no Oma, no Papa and (while not lost through death, but still a major loss to us) no Elijah. Faith just walked by his empty room and then came running into my arms sobbing because he is her best friend and has been her whole life. While we were in America, her best friend (that is not related to her) moved back to America after being here almost 7 years. There are very few friends left, no one her or Mercy's age, and now they are really feeling all of our losses.
It sucks. There is no way around the truth, but right now everything just hurts. I was up late into the night and it felt like I had heart burn, but it wasn't. It is just a real physical response to the amount of pain I am holding in my heart. Sometimes I can barely breath.
My kids are still sleeping 2 hours after I have woken up and I spent time reading Ecclesiastes and Job. I realize that I don't blame God. I am not mad at God. I still trust that His plans are meant for good in my life, but that doesn't mean that he is a safe God. His plans can be terribly painful before they will be good. I learned that 17 years ago when my sister took her life, and left me in a depth of pain I did not know was possible. I still know that now as I reflect on the loss of a friend who was like a sister, my in-laws who loved me like a real daughter, and not being on the same continent as my son. Sometimes life just hurts. A hurt that cannot be explained. A hurt that feels physical and will keep you up at night, but I know that God will walk with me through this valley. I wish I could see Him. I wish I could better understand His timing and plans, but those things are beyond my understanding. So I will keep walking, one tiny step at a time and know that on days where I can't find the strength to even go an inch or two, He will be right with me, walking in my pain. Because I know that He loves me.
Dear friend,
ReplyDeleteThe pain and loss you have experienced is too big and too much (too much..as they say in Lesotho). Too much for a person to handle alone. I pray that God would give you grace for each hour, each moment...as your grieving journey continues. I am glad that you 'know' He loves you and walks beside you and holds you. My prayer is that you also 'feel' His love and presence with you. There really are no words that will take your hurt away..but I love you and am lifting you up before our heavenly Father.
Karen B