1 Week Later

I want to say that I am doing much better and am no longer in a lot of emotional pain, but then I would be telling a lie, so I should not say that. I want to tell you that I am stronger than the trials that have come my way, and with God's strength I am, but I am not feeling strong yet. I am having a really hard time bouncing back this time. I hate feeling weak!

It has been a week since the two babies died and I am just not feeling ready to let go or ready to accept it. I remember sitting in the hospital ER with the baby girl for 5 hours one night (in February) when Bryan and I were suppose to be going on a date. Feeding her with a syringe and holding her close while she struggled with her poor health. Laughing when she threw up all over me in the waiting room because I did not even have a burp cloth and I just had to shrug my shoulders and wait for it to dry up. It was nice to cuddle with her and pray for her and rock her to sleep. I am glad I had those 5 hours with her and I just need to accept that God has her for eternity and that was the best plan.

I am still glad that God has called our family here. That we have been able to touch the lives of each child here at Beautiful Gate. I am thankful to have been able to be used by God and that He has literally broken my heart for the things that break His heart. But I feel my human weakness and vulnerability because I cannot seem to heal the brokenness inside me. Please God, heal me, glue the pieces back together, make me whole again. Give me strength and a faith that can literally move mountains. Help me to believe with my whole heart that You can make something good of all the bad and sad things I have seen and felt over the last 2 years.