Living in a third world country with a first world upbringing can really be damaging, not only to myself but also for those around me. I have been really struggling with something since Thursday and I am not even sure how to put words to my thoughts.
For those of you who have followed my blog over the years, you have all met and heard about Lucky, the orphan boy who used to "work" for us. He has been living with an uncle for the last couple years, and he visits us about once or twice a year. This year, he came in late January to ask me to sponsor him and help pay for his high school fees, books and uniform. Bryan and I decided that this was something we could do for him since education is very important to us.
Then he showed up last week cause it was spring break, and he had a whole list of wants; new shoes, soccer shoes, a soccer ball, more school books, food, money to start his own business, etc etc. He has always been one to shoot for the moon, so having him ask for things is not new, but something felt different this time. Gone was the gracious and thankful boy I used to know, and here was a demanding and expectant boy. Where did I go wrong in helping him that caused it to change? We certainly could not get all his requests especially when he wanted name brand shoes that I wouldn't even buy my own kids or myself. After getting affordable and sensible shoes, a ball and some food, he did not thank me, he asked for coloring books and crayons for his nephew.
I changed from his friend to the person who gives him things when he needs them. I know that I did this to myself somehow, but I am not sure what I should have done differently along the way so we could stay friends. He was no longer interested in me or my kids, but it was all in what he could get from me.
I feel used and ashamed that I did not teach him better. He is a good boy and I want him to grow up with gratitude for the help he was given, and not with an air of expectancy when he meets white people. I am really disappointed in how things turned out and aim to try to explain myself to him the next time he visits. Please pray for me to have wisdom in hopes of undoing what I unintentionally did to this friendship. Please also pray for him to realize the gifts he has been given in life, and to show gratitude to everyone he comes across in his life.
Nita May, I don't know if you did this. I mean, there is always more for us to learn and we always seek to grow in wisdom - but Lucky is growing up. And like all of us, he makes his own choices and decides what kind of man he's going to be. He's responsible for his own character. And he has had a whole lot of life that you haven't been able to be part of, too. But love is never wrong. Compassion is never wrong. By all means listen to wise counsel from people who are in a similar position, and if necessary learn to love and show compassion in new ways. Just don't get too down on yourself in the process, okay? I think you done good. (Also, is he a teenager now? Because TEENAGER. I hear those are rough.)
ReplyDeleteThanks Meika. Yes, he is 17 now and I considered that it could be playing a part, but I am just trying to figure out if sometimes helping can actually hurt people. Or the way we help maybe is the wrong way? There are many many factors and I am so glad that God is in control and can intervene and give wisdom to both of us. And, I can work harder on instilling good stuff in my soon to be teenage children!!!! :)
DeleteDitto what Meika said. We are to give with wisdom but we are not in control of the results from our giving. That is all Abba, Jesus and Holy Spirit who will use to touch the hearts of those involved. Bless you dear Anita and your heart of compassion. You would not have been prompted to give if it was not in God's plan.
ReplyDeleteAll such wise advice! I agree with Michele and Meika too! Your intentions are always good, Anita! But I hate to say this because it's along the negative, but it's also truth...there is that thing called SIN that still infects us all. He has a choice to make in his thankfulness just like we ALL do. I know it may look different when giving while living in Lesotho, but you have helped him in so many ways in these past 5 years! Your good has given him good things and that can not be bad! I have no doubt that you will have an amazing conversation with him the next time you see him because you are already seeking God in this. God knows your heart. He knows what your intentions have been in helping him. It's the error of our world and selfish hearts that turns good into bad. God always redeems! I am praying for you!
ReplyDelete