I Am Ruined!

Today was heartbreaking! I had just finished taking the kids on a nature walk collecting twigs, leaves and flowers for Faith's assignment. As we were walking back near the gate, Ntate Edward came walking quickly toward me and he was counting change in his hand. He came and told me that there was a 10 year old boy right outside the gate. The boy had heard that Beautiful Gate takes care of orphans and he hoped he could come and get some help as he was very hungry. Unfortunately our child care facility only houses children up to about 5 years of age, so he can not stay here with us. Edward had just enough change on him to get the kid a ride on a taxi into town and he gave him directions to an orphanage for older children. I ran home and grabbed several pieces of bread, a few apples, and a bottle of cold water for the boy along with a little more change so he had extra for food. Once I gave him the food, he looked up into my eyes with the most sorrowful eyes and said thank you with such a sincere voice that my heart literally broke right there. You know how there are times when you just know that God has ordained a meeting and it leaves a lasting mark on your soul, well today this was my meeting. I wished him well and walked into Bryan's office where I said that today I hate Lesotho (I was slightly irrational and emotional and don't really hate Lesotho) and started to just cry and cry. I am still tearing up as I write this and remember his face. How horrible to be 10 years old and have no one in the world left who loves you, who will tuck you in at night, who will make you meals, who will teach you how to be a man, who will do nice things for you just because, who will comfort you when you are scared. No one...

It turns out that while I was inside telling this to Bryan, Elijah ran home and got 5 rand of his allowance and gave it to the boy because he thought he needed a little more than I had given. Oh, I was so proud of him for his heart of gold and for understanding how desperate the young boy's situation is. Then Mercy came running into Bryan's office with Kody (her stuffed black lab) and gave it to me to make me stop crying. She was very worried to see mommy crying and Kody always makes her pain better. Then, Faith held my hand and walked me home. I am so blessed to have my 3 kids and they are learning so much about life in another part of the world. My prayer would be that they continue to have compassion and empathy for those who are hurting.

I feel like I am ruined. I will NEVER again be able to live my life with the ignorance of the true pain and suffering that goes on in the world. I will never be able to get those haunting eyes out of my mind, true pain, suffering, brokenness. God has broken my heart for the children who are hurting in Lesotho and it is so hard. I want to just lock myself in a room and cry for hours because the pain is so great. My empathy for them is making it so real to me and I know I can only help one kid at a time, but that does not make my heart feel any better right now. Sin sucks. It is so unfair that the innocent have to suffer so greatly. I know that God can comfort and heal and He loves that boy more than I ever could so please pray with me today for this poor boy. I don't know where he is or if I'll ever see him again but pray with me that he is safe and has a full stomach and that God will give him a second chance with a family and better yet, that God will reveal Himself to this boy as a father who will never leave or forsake him. Thank you so much for your love of our family and for the children here in Lesotho.
Anita